We're not supposed to cry over spilt milk. But my daughter didn't spill her milk. It was orange juice. And the tears came. Not from her, but from me.
Not a big deal, orange juice washes out of a table cloth. And most people come to expect a 2 year old to spill their drinks more often than not. But my 2 year old is different. It wasn't her young hands that failed her, it was her brain. She had a seizure. One of many she has every day.
We are one and a half years into a diagnosis process. A diagnosis of epilepsy.
And I'm tired.
I'm tired physically. From dragging a two year old, and at times the whole family, to doctors appointments and new hospitals. From adminstering medicine over and over, day after day, sometimes easily, sometimes with a difficult two year old who likes to make things challenging. I'm tired, mentally, from trying to make decisions about treatment. From racking my brain for answers that will most likely never be there. From trying to understand what doctors go to school for years to understand. I'm tired emotionally. From anger at old doctors who seem to have not done all they could to find an answer. From trying to stay calm when "explaining" that someone might see something unusual with my daughter every so often, but don't worry. She's fine. Tired from knowing she's not fine. Tired from trying not to freak out when grandparents react to what I must pretend not to notice every. single. day. to keep life "normal" for my kids. Tired from seeing other kids who are suffering much more than my child and there is nothing I can do about it.
I'm tired. And it is so hard to be strong when you are tired, but strong I must be. Strong for my children because they don't know that their sister has something "wrong" with her. And they shouldn't. Strong for my husband or else he would have to carry this weight on his shoulders alone. Strong for our extended family who do react. Because they care. They don't know how to not care, which of course makes us blessed.
We are so very blessed. Blessed to have a new doctor who is eager to get answers. Blessed to have an amazing hospital nearby that is full of people who not only want sick kids to get better, but to smile as much as possible while they get better. Blessed to have a beautiful daughter who is so full of life that she makes us laugh more than enough to make us forget her "issues" most of the time.
But most importantly, blessed to have a Father who, though I forget to turn to Him all of the time, never forgets to be there for me. To tell me to "Be Not Afraid." I've had to cling to this scripture over the last year and a half. Because I am afraid, a lot. But there really is no reason to be afraid. Because God's plan is perfect. And as long as I can remember that, there is peace.
And I can always buy more orange juice.